What Walkie Talkies Taught Me about Communication

I thought I was a good communicator, until I tried to teach my kids (3 yr old twin boys and 4 1/2 daughter) how to use walkie talkies.

“OK, push the button and hold it down, then talk,” said I to my daughter.

Daughter: Pushes the button, let’s it go, and then holds walkie talkie down–like puts it at her knees–and then talks (but no where remotely close to talking in the actual handset).

“No, no, no. Hold the button down, then talk,”

Daughter: Pushes the button down. Let’s it go. Then talks.

(And various computations and permutations of that…. Then the same with her brothers.)

I got a little frustrated. “Just stand in different rooms and talk loud enough for your brother  to hear you and pretend.”

Photo by Geomangio

Then one of the twins looked confused, held up the handset, and asked, “Where’s the music Daddy?”  First, the handset does look like a little transistor radio. But second, when has he ever seen a transistor radio?

“No son, it’s not a radio. It’s a walkie talkie. You know what? Nevermind.” (Dad then walks away to heat up coffee in the microwave).

I realized that effective communication in a family is hard work. We have to learn to explain and share in ways that are understood

What We Think We’re Saying vs. What’s Being Heard

A hardcore personal development friend of mine has a ‘daily practice’ list. On his list of 12 daily practice items (complete with check-off boxes to track progress) is one particular line:  ”Spend quality time with wife and daughter.”

He showed the list to his wife. She observed that his ‘Spend quality time with wife and daughter’ was checked extremely frequently, prompting her to ask:  ”Why is that box checked so often? I think you’ve just been ticking it off.”

He sincerely felt that he checked that box when he truly spent quality time. Apparently, he and his spouse have different working definitions of ‘quality time.’

I think an iPad was involved, but I cannot be sure.

Being Heard… And Understood

My friend’s experience with his wife  who thought he was fulfilling his commitment to quality time with his family, I always assume my gestures and words are fully grasped.

With my kids, the phrase ‘hold down the button’ was totally simple, right? I learned a couple weeks later that they still didn’t get it when I tried to teach them how to hold the ‘B’ button down to play Wii bowling.

I also need to be clearer in my adult relationships–sometimes my intent is missed (of course there are also times when I’m just a jerk).

While some would belly laugh at the thought of my giving suggestions about communication, I have learned 4 things:

1. With Kids: Experiment until they get it. I have to continually review my words and break down the idioms and metaphorical language until they get it.
2. With Spouses, Friends, Co-Workers: Learn to ask at various times. It might be seem silly, but why not ask what they heard you say? You don’t want to seem paranoid, but why not avoid being misunderstood?
3. Patience:  It can take time to develop effective two way communication. Who knows the messages the other person has heard their whole life and how your words might stir some of that up?
4. Watch Your Own Ears: I’m learning that if I’m on the receiving end, I need to ask for clarification. I need to always assume the best.

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