Receive Grace

Posted on March 2, 2012 by Brett

If you’re a mom, dad, husband, or wife, chances are you don’t get it right every time.  Sometimes it’s your fault and sometimes not. It’s no secret that marriage and parenting bring out the best and worst in people.

Chances are you lose your temper. Chances are you’re not always the picture of patience. Sometimes you get tired. Sometimes you worry. Sometimes you get overly sensitive.

There are times when you give in too quickly–or not quickly enough. There might even be times when you don’t like a dang person in your house. Maybe it feels like all you do is unappreciated or maybe you feel bad for not doing what you think you should.

There have been, are, or will be moments when you can’t stand the person in the mirror. Perhaps you’re fully and completely frustrated on occasion.

I’m guessing there are times when you feel all those things listed above and then you feel guilt and shame and start at the top of the list and do it all over again.

Sometimes, you might even be correct to be a little angry with yourself. Maybe you deserve to verbally reprimand yourself. Maybe you were lazy. Maybe you did take the easy way. Maybe you did say something you shouldn’t have.

I’m not a priest and I don’t have any special power or know if any of these things apply to you, but I’d like to try something anyway:

RECEIVE GRACE.

BE MERCIFUL to yourself.

ACCEPT HELP (or even take a break).

REST.

You might not be as stellar as you’d like to be, and sometimes you might even be downright beastly. I know I’ve sat, head in hand, tears streaming, wondering how I can act or say the things I do sometimes.

The wonderful thing is that the same God that provides grace, also can gently lead in a new direction.

So, around the house…

Do your thing and if you fail…

Accept grace, then…

Learn, grow, get up and…

Try again.

(Rinse, repeat, ad infinitum)

The danger is that we tend to go too easy on ourselves or be way too hard on ourselves.

Can we grow in grace? That’s the challenging solution.

 

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15 Lenten Fast Ideas for Beginners

Posted on February 21, 2012 by Brett

After my Fat Tuesday post, my brain started firing with other baby step Lenten fast ideas that maybe I should incorporate this year–or for those who have never embarked on any kind of Lenten discipline.

A Few Notes on Lent

While I’m about to list a bunch of fasting ideas, I don’t believe that Lent is about fasting. It’s about preparing our hearts and contemplating the work of Christ on the cross and the victory of the resurrection.

Over the next few weeks, I’m planning on  following the Book of Common Prayer’s readings for this season and maybe picking the brains of a few folks who are immersed in Anglican or other traditional Christian streams.

Lent, in my limited understanding, is a time to peel away the nonessentials and contemplate the centrality of the Cross. Whatever fasts we undertake should help strip distractions and peel away the things we depend on rather than Christ.

Here are some prompts to get you thinking:

  1. No phone time zone: How much more quality family time could we squeeze in without the constant fondling of our smart phones? Select a daily time where it’s off limits. Leave it in the car. Give it to your spouse to hide.
  2. Coffee: How many of us don’t really need that 5th cup?
  3. TV: How about picking only one show a night or ditching a whole category of fine TV entertainment (reality, SportsCenter, etc).
  4. A.M. Email Checks: Do you struggle with firing up your computer or picking up the iPhone first thing in the morning? Fast email for the first hour of wake time.
  5. Colorful Language: Perhaps you have creative use of the English language and you’ve been trying to tone it down a bit. Redouble your efforts.
  6. Fox, CNN, CNBC: Does staying abreast of things end up freaking you out too much?
  7. Lunches: A more traditional, food oriented fast. Take lunchtimes to reflect, pray, study, and journal.
  8. Social Media: Have you taken an extended break from Facebook or Twitter?
  9. Email a Day: Pray about one person you can encourage a day. Call or email that person with some well-wishes. It could be exactly what they needed.
  10. Pray About It (1): Pray about which good thing distracts from the better or best thing. Get rid of that good thing for the season.
  11. Meat: All meat or just the red kind.
  12. Procrastination: I know. How do you fast procrastination? I’m not sure, but it felt like it belonged in this list.
  13. Late Nights: Do your lights need to go out by 10pm?
  14. Isolation: If you’re in a family, and have a habit of coming straight home and heading right through the kitchen and family room into the home office, work room, or media room. Consider halting that.
  15. Pray About It (2): Pray and ask God this: When I’m depressed, upset, or otherwise triggered, what’s my initial go-to self-medication? Consider whether that is really the best option.

As I mentioned above, the focus of Lent is not on what we give up, but rather on what Christ gave up on our behalf. Somehow exercising our ability to set aside comfortable distractions might allow us to see more clearly.

Is it necessary to completely forego the stuff above? I hope not. But I hope that I’ll get better at being able to set them aside every once in a while if need be–or for good if called to.

When you’re doing reading this, go visit Rachel Held Evans’ 40 Ideas for Lent. A much more complete list of readings, devotions, books to read, fasts, and questions to ask yourself.

 

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Fat Tuesday

Posted on February 21, 2012 by Brett

I’ve sworn in the past that I’d never use Lent as an excuse to diet.  Of course, I never really did anything during Lent, so it didn’t matter.

Like a lot of evangelical Christians, I cracked on Lenten rituals such as giving up chocolate or  donuts or all alcohol but wine as being silly high church religious pretentions.

I had enough liturgical background to appreciate Ash Wednesday service (when you get the forehead smudge of ash) and to think Lent was a pretty powerful time. I also never fasted anything. Chocolate was too silly to me. But anything more substantial like a Daniel fast or giving up TV or adding daily acts of service were also off the table.

I wasn’t going to be silly. But I dang sure wasn’t going to enter into the season either.

Then two years ago, my wife and I decided to give up all sweets and alcohol for the few weeks between Ash Wednesday and Easter. I just decided that even if it’s silly, it really can’t hurt.

It was not easy

It wasn’t boot camp hard. It wasn’t water only difficult. But it drew out some things in me (I won’t speak for my bride on this).

  • Sweets keep me glued to the couch: When I’m not eating them as much, it’s not as easy to pass too much time watching TV. Snacking on M&Ms or Twizzlers encourages the barreling through of DVR’d sitcoms.
  • I eat what’s in front of me: I started noticing that I would almost involuntarily grab whatever food someone put down on a break table or at a networking event or dropped off at my desk. I’d catch myself grabbing a donut without even thinking.
  • Sweets and alcohol are depressants: Even in moderation, both of these things ultimately make me feel sluggish. Whenever I drop either one for a while (my wife and I have started building the habit throughout the year), I notice a slight increase or even surplus in energy.
  • It’s more spiritual than I thought: The DTs from much less simple sugar required me to be a little more prayerful. At first, I noticed myself a little on edge and instead of being able to go to the M&M dispenser at my office, I’d have to sit at my desk and press through or take a little walk and maybe even pray.
  • It served as a reminder: Every time I had to choose to not eat a brownie or drink a beer, I thought about Lent. It brought my brain back around to the season and encouraged more meditation. I know it sounds strange, but that’s what has happened the last couple years during the season.
We’re starting again tomorrow. Today I will eat M&Ms and maybe a donut. I’ll probably not imbibe in any of the liquid courage, but I will have a Rice Krispies treat
Starting tomorrow, we’ll ditch the sugar (outside of our daughter’s birthday party on March 24th). And we’ll see what we learn this year.
For now, I’m trying to write with preschoolers asking me for attention which they deserve more than this blog.
Happy Fat Tuesday! Don’t do anything stupid today, but starting tomorrow, go a little crazy by dropping something or adding something that might stretch you a bit. 
Posted in Faith, Food & Drink, Personal Growth | Tagged , , , | 4 Comments

Black Beans and Rice

Posted on February 7, 2012 by Brett

My wife is Cuban. While this recipe isn’t totally authentic (due to such shortcuts as canned black beans), it does scratch the itch for semi-Cuban cuisine while providing a very cash conscious evening meal.

You can go to the Caribbean without breaking the bank.

My Method

I call it a ‘method’ vs a ‘recipe’ because I generally take advantage of what I happen to have on hand. Today was perfect because the crisper drawer had all my favorite black bean add ins.

Ingredients

  • 1 tablespoon olive oil
  • 1/4 cup diced sweet onion
  • 1/4 cup diced bell pepper (more or less, depending on what you have on hand and your taste)*
  • 1 clove garlic, minced
  • 1/2 serrano chili (seeded and finely chopped)**
  • Salt/Pepper
  • 1/2 teaspoon cumin
  • Paprika (dash)
  • Ground red pepper (dash)
  • Chili powder (dash to a little more)
  • 1 can black beans
  • 1 can diced tomatos
  • 1-2 cups cooked rice (you can figure that part out yourself)

Instructions

Heat up the olive oil, toss the onion and bell pepper in and let it sweat a little before I toss in the minced garlic and chopped serrano (jalapeno would be fine here, but I’ve grown to prefer the taste of the serrano and their smaller size makes them easier to use). I usually grind a little salt and pepper on them while they cook up.

Serranos Add a Little Heat

Saute the veggies until tender. I normally will go just with black beans, but we had some tomatos on hand, so pour the can of tomatos in, bring to a slight boil before adding the black beans. At this point, I’ll toss in a little paprika, red pepper, and chili powder (be gentle on these as they can pack a punch).

Bring to a boil, add the chopped cilantro, and drop to a simmer and cook for 20 minutes or so. I’ll sometimes keep them covered on low for up to an hour to let the flavors sink in.

Add Cilantro Later in the Process--It Just Works Best That Way

Pour enough over your rice to make you happy and if you have a little sour cream, drop a dollop on. We happen to have avocado, so we topped with a few chunks of that.

Note: We have black beans and rice one time every week or two. Sometimes, we only have either onion or pepper or some tomatos or some garlic. We’ll run with what we got in the fridge. Occasionally, we’ll cook the black beans with a few tablespoons of salsa.

As long as we have a little cumin, garlic powder (if not the real thing), and some chili or red pepper, it’ll work out nicely for a serviceable to extremely tasty midweek meal.

Sour Cream and Avocado Round It Out

Note 2: Do not chop serrano and then rub your eyes. Seriously.

If you like Cuban food, I recommend Memories of a Cuban Kitchen: More Than 200 Classic Recipes. My wife crushes the picadillo recipe in this book. It has plenty of great authentic Cuban cuisine info.

 

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My Taglines from April 2010 to the Present

Posted on February 3, 2012 by Brett

When I started this site, it was meant to be an experiment on a few fronts:

  • What would I end up writing about?
  • What would folks want to read about–and would anybody actually read it?
  • Could I learn to do a little coding?
  • Is it possible to make a little money along the way?

In April, I will have been at this experiment for two years. The experiment results so far:

  • I’m still not completely sure what my main theme is…
  • or what folks want to read about…
  • I dang sure  can’t code and…
  • I have only garnered $2.24 in my Amazon affiliate account (which won’t release until I hit $10, so I’ll include a link to something at Amazon at the end of this post. You can go in and buy something–you don’t have to buy what I link to… just grab anything, whether you need it or not. I hit $10, I can buy some peanut butter for the fam).

While I’m not sure exactly what I’m doing, I think the succession of my blog’s taglines might be telling. Here they go:

A Father Learning to be a Dad: I don’t remember where I read or heard this idea, but it hit me ‘tween the eyes. Any dude can father a child, but a being a dad is something completely different.  Consequently, I made it my first tagline: A Dad’s Journal… a Father Learning to be a Dad.  And it’s still true.

I don’t want to be their best friend, but I cherish being called Daddy.  A Dad creates memories. A Dad listens. For a daughter, a Daddy means that she’ll put some thought into the song she chooses as her Daddy/Daughter dance for her wedding.

Productive Fatherhood: How sterile does that sound? Actually, it could sound the opposite: well-able to produce as a father. We did have three kids in the span of 18 months, so I was productive in that department.

I have to admit, I was in a major Zen Habits and Getting Things Done phase. I still appreciate those things, but I’m not sure if I’m a productivity and/or personal growth guru. It might be a little arrogant of me to couch myself as a productive father. I still stink at budgeting. My closet’s a mess. My backyard is still basically in the same shape as pictured in my inaugural post.

Living from the Why:  This is the current tagline. It might not make sense to others, but I recently took a personal two day retreat and dedicated part of it to going through Michael Hyatt’s Life Plan template.

It occurred to me during that process that I wanted the motivation for everything I do to be anchored in my values and purpose. If I drill down deep, then my work should be motivated by my desire to honor God, provide for my family, and serve the people around me. This isn’t always the case, but it’s good to shoot for the ideal.

Even more importantly, it’s great accountability to have the ‘Why’ as a filter. The awesome thing is that fun is deeply important to the why (see also ‘A Father Learning to Be a Dad’).

Living from the why is not as severe as it seems. The ‘Why’ can include everything from a walk in the park to serious study, especially when the why includes a wife and a bunch of little ones.

I’ll stick with this one until the next big idea hits me in the face.

Questions (Leave a comment if you’d like):

  • If you had a ‘tagline’… what would it be?
  • Has it changed recently?
  • What are your top three whys?

I forgot… My favorite recent read: Unbroken by Laura Hillebrand (happy shopping).

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Why Newborns Aren’t the Only People Who Need Routines

Posted on February 1, 2012 by Brett

When we had our daughter, the only consistent advice we got was to establish a routine.

Our daughter apparently wasn’t listening, but we persevered. As we developed our modified Ezzo-Sears parenting approach, the routine fell into line. Our daughter eventually (with some exceptions here and there) fell asleep at 7pm and woke at 7am.  I could keep time by her appointments at Mama’s Restaurant.

The boys, surprisingly, caught on even more quickly.

The daily rhythms and routines have been vital to our family’s mental health. I know that there are a wide variety of parenting styles, but that’s what worked for us.

Routines and Success

While going through Darren Hardy’s The Compound Effect with a group at my office, I rediscovered how important routines are. It’s not only about mental health and child development, it’s also about gaining momentum and encouraging success.

  • The best golfers have a consistent pre-shot routine.
  • Good baseball players approach the plate the same way every time.
  • A  basketball player dribbles the same number of times prior to a free throw.
  • Surgeons and pilots have their pre-flight checklists. Atul Gawande’s The Checklist Manifesto is a surprisingly riveting read on the topic of checklists.
  • Moms have the pre-school list: eat, dress, brush, pack lunch, get in the car

Why I Think Routines Are Vital

At work, I have a ‘Daily Work Routine’. I don’t always follow it.  I am always more productive when I do.

  1. Efficiency: If for no other reason, following a routine or checklist increases efficiency.
  2. Keeping the Main Things Main: Establishing a routine based on core values and commitments reminds us of what is, well, valuable. My A.M. routine used to be: shower, empty dishwasher, make breakfast, have devotional time. That last piece was always squeezed out as the rest of the house woke up. Now: shower, breakfast/devotional time, clean out dishwasher (I can do dishes with preschoolers zipping about. I can’t ‘devote’).
  3. The Glorious Feeling of Accomplishment: A routine typically prioritizes important tasks. If we can get something awesome done early, that sets a wonderful tone for the day.
  4. Consistently Meeting Expectations: Whether you like them or not, you always know what you get when order McDonald’s burgers.  Routines can help us meet boss or client expectations dependably over time.
  5. It Gives a Baseline: Routines help us see what works and what doesn’t. We can then adjust.
  6. Controlling at least a Small Corner of the Day: While it’s arrogant for us to assume we control any part of the day, we can establish routines that allow us to get ahead of others’ demands on our time. Opening email is 5 on my list. If I do it earlier, I’m toast.

    Guardrails for my work day

Suggestions on How to Develop a Routine

We can have routines for everything from waking up to going to bed to anything in between. Here are some ideas to get started:

  1. Start with the End: What are your goals and your ‘whys’? For my morning routine, my goal is to get my mind and heart right, so my primary focus is building a routine that will include prayer and devotional time.
  2. Build from the Top Down: Unless there is a particular protocol (see also a surgeon or pilot checklist), place the big rocks into the list first. For me, my focus is the devotional time (30 minutes), and I go from there: shower/coffee (to wake up), quiet time, then empty the dishwasher and hang with kids as the tumble out of bed and down the stairs. The dishwasher allows me to perform a small act of service for my wife before she storms the beaches of stay-at-home-mommyhood the rest of the day.
  3. Keep it Simple: Keeping our routines as simple as possible is vital for them to work: keep the list short and keep to one action item per bullet point. Commit to even a single item routine for a while until it’s embedded.
  4. Stick to it for 30, then Adjust: Keeping a routine for a while allows for experience to show whether it’s helping accomplish my goals. It took a friend to point out that I needed to open the Bible prior to the dishwasher. A routine’s effectiveness will reveal itself as you go along.
If you have absolutely no current routine, perhaps this is a good place to start: (1) Wake up (2) Commit the day to God (3) Ask God to bring growth to you and each member of your family. This is the classic ‘wake and pray.’ 
Leave a comment: In what ways have routines helped you at home, work or in any other area?

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She’s Blonde, Has Freckles, and Is Beautiful

Posted on January 26, 2012 by Brett

And she’s my wife who today celebrates an undisclosed birthday.

I just want to take a brief moment to say that I’m so completely thankful that she was born and that God gave her the grace to love a fellow like me.

Sweetie–thank you for all you do, day in and day out, and for all you are, inside and out. You are a blessing and an absolute blast! I look forward to many years of getting to know you even better.

I’m going to go buy you some donuts while the cake bakes. I love you!

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I’m SO Much Smarter Than My Kids, But It Doesn’t Really Matter

Posted on January 24, 2012 by Brett

I recently wrote a post about the need to be more patient when learning to communicate with anyone from preschoolers to spouses.

I told a cute little story. I wrapped it up with a tidy list of tips on more clearly understanding and talking with friends and family.

I fully stand by my list. But I should out myself.

I totally stink at it sometimes.

When my twin boys decide that I turned the bath water off at the wrong time or gave them the wrong color sippy cup (or it shouldn’t have been me but Mommy who should have given it to them in the first place) or that I should have let them pull the tissue out of the box not I on their behalf, I simply can’t be awesomely patient.

No matter how well I lay out the logic that these things don’t matter, they insist on having meltdowns.

When our sweet four year old daughter requires a snack and a drink 3 minutes after she ate 2 bites of her dinner and then asks for it with machine gun rapidity whilst I change a half-potty-trained 3 year old boy’s pull-up, I also cannot be awesomely patient.

When I explain to her that I’m busy with some poo and she’ll have to wait, she explains, beginning with my favorite phrase, “But Daddy… I want a snack and a drink.”

Ah… the world shall stop until thy crackers are delivered!

I Blog Because I’m a Sojourner, not an Expert

The fact is that for all my musings and suggestions and opinions and helpful bulleted-points, I am just a guy whose keen rational insight and logical deductions are useless in the battle of wits I find myself in with my kids.

Our Sweet Little Angels (Photo Courtesy of Kimberly Herbert Photography)

In the end, I have to put myself in a time out. I have to confess my insecurities and my poor fathering to my wife. I pray.

I’m coming to the conclusion that parenting does not follow bulleted lists. We follow are routines as best as we can and we create structures to encourage growth, but preschoolers (the extent of my experience) don’t angelically acquiesce to our systems.

The two approaches to the world clash: They are searching and ramming their heads against the safe and hopefully life-encouraging boundaries we try to create.

I might, in the end, be able to control what color sippy cup goes to whom, or whether I’ll respond to the unexpected tantrum that orange vs. red elicits.

But I can’t control whether or not they have the tantrum. And giving in to them every time just creates more tantrums because they’ll decide that tantrums work.

I just need to learn to stick to my guns while taking a mental trip to my  happy place if or when the screaming commences.*

There are no big lists at the end of this short post. It’s simply a confession that there are moments when having three kids under five years old absolutely confounds me.

*Lest it seem like we live in a madhouse, we don’t. We are extremely blessed with sweet-natured, healthy little ones. They’re just doing what little ones do from time to time.

 

 

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What Walkie Talkies Taught Me about Communication

Posted on January 21, 2012 by Brett

I thought I was a good communicator, until I tried to teach my kids (3 yr old twin boys and 4 1/2 daughter) how to use walkie talkies.

“OK, push the button and hold it down, then talk,” said I to my daughter.

Daughter: Pushes the button, let’s it go, and then holds walkie talkie down–like puts it at her knees–and then talks (but no where remotely close to talking in the actual handset).

“No, no, no. Hold the button down, then talk,”

Daughter: Pushes the button down. Let’s it go. Then talks.

(And various computations and permutations of that…. Then the same with her brothers.)

I got a little frustrated. “Just stand in different rooms and talk loud enough for your brother  to hear you and pretend.”

La senti questa voce?

Photo by Geomangio

Then one of the twins looked confused, held up the handset, and asked, “Where’s the music Daddy?”  First, the handset does look like a little transistor radio. But second, when has he ever seen a transistor radio?

“No son, it’s not a radio. It’s a walkie talkie. You know what? Nevermind.” (Dad then walks away to heat up coffee in the microwave).

I realized that effective communication in a family is hard work. We have to learn to explain and share in ways that are understood

What We Think We’re Saying vs. What’s Being Heard

A hardcore personal development friend of mine has a ‘daily practice’ list. On his list of 12 daily practice items (complete with check-off boxes to track progress) is one particular line:  ”Spend quality time with wife and daughter.”

He showed the list to his wife. She observed that his ‘Spend quality time with wife and daughter’ was checked extremely frequently, prompting her to ask:  ”Why is that box checked so often? I think you’ve just been ticking it off.”

He sincerely felt that he checked that box when he truly spent quality time. Apparently, he and his spouse have different working definitions of ‘quality time.’

I think an iPad was involved, but I cannot be sure.

Being Heard… And Understood

My friend’s experience with his wife  who thought he was fulfilling his commitment to quality time with his family, I always assume my gestures and words are fully grasped.

With my kids, the phrase ‘hold down the button’ was totally simple, right? I learned a couple weeks later that they still didn’t get it when I tried to teach them how to hold the ‘B’ button down to play Wii bowling.

I also need to be clearer in my adult relationships–sometimes my intent is missed (of course there are also times when I’m just a jerk).

While some would belly laugh at the thought of my giving suggestions about communication, I have learned 4 things:

  1. With Kids: Experiment until they get it. I have to continually review my words and break down the idioms and metaphorical language until they get it.
  2. With Spouses, Friends, Co-Workers: Learn to ask at various times. It might be seem silly, but why not ask what they heard you say? You don’t want to seem paranoid, but why not avoid being misunderstood?
  3. Patience:  It can take time to develop effective two way communication. Who knows the messages the other person has heard their whole life and how your words might stir some of that up?
  4. Watch Your Own Ears: I’m learning that if I’m on the receiving end, I need to ask for clarification. I need to always assume the best.
Question: What methods have you built into your communication to help make sure everybody gets it?
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My Fireplace, Unbroken, and Lack of Control

Posted on January 18, 2012 by Brett

It’s been a while since I’ve submitted a Thankful Thursday. I’ve been thankful, but I’ve not felt compelled to write about it.

Today I’m writing because Thankful Thursday is a discipline that I want to keep at least once a month if not weekly.

As my wife drifts off in the bed next to me and slight scent of maple embers floats upstairs, I’d like to express a little gratitude.

1. Our Fireplace: We’ve had fires 5 out of the last 6 nights. While i enjoy a nice, well-used fireplace, my wife absolutely adores them–to the point where she even relieves me from some of the bed-time mayhem when I get home from work to go fetch the firewood. Evenings are a bit more cozy when the hearth is aflame.

2. Unbroken: A World War II Story of Survival, Resilience, and Redemption by Laura Hillenbrand:  This book of Louis Zamperini’s amazing and harrowing experiences after his bomber crashed into the Pacific during World War II is absolutely riveting. Hillenbrand, who also penned Seabiscuit, writes so compellingly that I could almost hear , smell, taste, and see what Zamperini and his cohorts endured. It has caused great conviction in me when I’m tempted to complain or whine about any circumstance.

You will not be wasting your time if you pick the book up–in my humble, average joe opinion.

3. Lack of Control:  There have been times in my life when I’ve felt the need to control what people thought about me, what they did, and where in the row all my ducks were arranged.  Lately, I’ve not felt so concerned with these things. I struggle a little with not being able to control the listening skills of my kids, but on the whole, I realize that (a) the best I can do is the best I can do, (b) if I make/made a mistake, all I can do is my best moving forward, and (c) my best doesn’t guarantee me anything except for the satisfaction of knowing the effort was there.

I’m supposed to be a man of faith. One of the great things about faith is that I can trust that Someone much smarter, loving, and powerful than I is in control. If, by some crazy chance, there is no such Someone, I still don’t think I’d be any better at pulling all the strings. I’m sure the folks in my life appreciate it when I don’t try to take up the reins.

If I had a fourth bullet point, it’d be that Melissa d’Arabian accidentally linked to my post on cooking tips on her Facebook fan page. I got more hits that day than any other day. Thankfully it surpassed this sad post as my most read piece.

I hope you enjoy your Thursday and the upcoming weekend! If you have a moment leave a comment about what you’re thankful for.

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