Recently, Yahoo Shine published a piece on an emerging trend: parents who hate parenting. When you get a moment, click on some of the links in the piece (I’ll reference a couple of them below). It’s a heck of a survey of recent articles and studies and blog posts regarding some of the difficulties of parenting.
Apparently, studies show folks without kids are much happier than folks with kids and that those of us who do have them are more prone to depression, stress, and empty pockets. One study even points out that parents idealize their roles almost because the data indicates that there is a much greater emotional and financial strain.
I’ll admit, I didn’t read the full article (I have kids to take care of for goodness sake). But what seems to be the conclusion of the study (thanks to this Time blog post for boiling it down for us): We glorify parenting to con ourselves into thinking having kids was actually a good idea.
I’m not all that surprised that various psychological studies come to that conclusion. And I love some of the points made by the Lylah M. Alphonso (the author of that Yahoo! post–and my apologies to her if anything after this sounds like I’m repeating those points).
With all that background out of the way, I’ll throw in my $.02. I’m no psychologist, and I’m not a fancy Time blogger, so take my two cents for what they’re worth. I’m just a dad.
If someone asked me: “Let’s pretend, Brett, that you admitted you hated being a parent. What would be your reasons?” I would answer as follows:
1. I’m Selfish: The absolute number one reason that there are moments that I get frustrated in parenting is my innate selfishness. There are moments when I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it. This is no longer an option, especially with my children as young as they are.
People tell you that getting married will show you how selfish you are. Getting married has nothing on having babies. That really brings out the “ME” in me. Come to think of it, even the speaker at my church opened his sermon with this illustration: We get frustrated with difficulties because we think life is all about us.
2. There’s No Manual: Sure we bought and checked out some books–all the normal ones “What To Expect When…”, Babywise, the Sears books, John Rosemond, 1-2-3 Magic. But in the heat of late afternoon and early evening chaos, you can’t push the pause button on your children and look up: ‘How to positively address 3 yr old’s current demands while 1 twin’s diaper just exploded due to the fact they had too many blackberries for breakfast’.
First, the reference won’t be there. And second, kids have no pause buttons. We have to think on the fly and do the best we can. We have to bob and weave throughout the day.
Good Work If You Can Get It
I’m bumping up against my 500 word limit here, so in short, my two reasons above are exactly the things that I know that I need.
I don’t hate parenting. I hate my selfishness. I don’t hate parenting. I hate that I’m not naturally a perfect parent–that I do have to read and learn and internalize new ideas and methods. Learning a new skill is often tough. And this is one of the most important skills to learn. I hate that I have to live in the tension between doing my best and perfection.
So, to conclude, this is why I love parenting:
- Primarily, it’s just great getting to know those three little personalities and watching them grow.
- I’m becoming less selfish–there’s no better iron sharpener than kids.
- I’m getting the opportunity to take care of three precious, uniquely created human beings. What a powerful thing!
I know Mr. Psychologist’s cost benefit analysis won’t scream and cry and actually depend on him for anything, but it also won’t laugh with him and snuggle with him and force him to realize tough stuff about himself so that he becomes a better person.
Questions: What are the tough things about parenting for you? What are the things that make you realize there’s nothing better in the world?
(For over-stressed parents, I recommend reviewing the list of 10 suggestions at the bottom of the Yahoo piece, taken from ‘Mothers Need Time-Outs Too’.)
Great post! I totally agree that being selfish is one of the reasons I hate parenting. I’m not selfish by nature but I find the need to BE selfish now. Though I don’t know if it’s really being selfish. I need to make time for me. They (he) suck ALL the time and life out of me. Hmm. interesting to think about. Great post!!
Thanks! Sometimes it takes like 3 minutes before I’m spent, depending on the phase of the day my kids are going through. And I think it’s important to be a little selfish–check that list out on the Yahoo article. It seems the author’s point is that we’ll tend toward despising the role if we’re not careful about taking some time out and building support.
Great post! I agree with so much that you have said. Enjoyed it!
Thanks for stopping by! My first comment from a published author!
Great post!
Becoming a parent is the last stage of becoming an adult. Parenthood forces you to confront any selfishness, because it demands that you endlessly give of yourself to a little person with no guarantee that you will ever get anything back from it. I think most people make this transition easily, though we are all challenged at times.
Kids come with no manual because each one has his or her own unique natural potential. The core challenge *and joy* of parenting is helping them to explore and realize that natural potential.
I don’t believe that anyone hates parenting, rather they hate being confronted with the challenge of this last step into adulthood. And it is a one-way street, in the words of
Bruce Lansky, “Parenthood is a lot easier to get into than out of.”
cheers,
Great points. We generally grow up so late these days anyway, and this one is a huge one because when you have a child, there’s really no option but to grow and grow up a little bit.
Thanks for stopping by.
Very interesting. I must say that I was on this very path last year- the path to hating my new roles as a mother. All my reasons were reasons listed-financial strain, selfishness, stress, trying to be a perfect mom, etc. And then my 2 year old developed brain cancer. In a strange way, his illness has been a blessing to our family. All the little things taken for granted were now a priority. I feel so blessed to have been given a second chance to establish this amazing connection with my children that most people never get. Now I feel it is my duty to share our story and the wisdom we have gained through our experience. The laundry and the dishes can wait, they will still be there when you are done playing with your little ones.
—By the way, it took me 30 minutes to type this small paragraph because I had to change 2 dirty diapers and clean up a toddler mess.
Erin!
I probably should have deferred to my wife for this post because she’s the one in the trenches all of the time. Thanks for the posts on your blog, by the way. I think about you guys a lot. And thanks for reaching out to other folks through FB and the augustusthemighty.com.
I enjoyed the post. @alisonlewis forwarded it to me. Here are my two cents. I wasn’t sure about having kids, but we did, and now, we have 3 (10, 12, and soon-to-be 14 – boy, girl, boy). The process definitely makes you grow up and learn selflessness. A lot depends on where you and they are in life.
When you have one child, who sleeps
, it’s easy. It’s adorable. When you have a teenager talking back to you, it’s frustrating and hard. When you have to take three kids in three different directions to various activities, it’s stressful. When you are at one of those activities and see your child perform a dance or catch a fly ball, it’s one of the best feelings in the world. When your kids are snapping at each other and fighting, you want to pull your hair out, but when they work together and get along, it’s wonderful. When you can take two boys to the SEC Basketball tournament and talk about the games, it’s like having two of your best friends with you. When you can take your daughter to dinner and a movie, it’s incredible. When your family gets together and laughs and has fun, it’s rewarding. When you want a break and take a vacation with your spouse, but you have to pay a babysitter, it’s a pain and expensive. But, when your kids give you a hug and tell you they love you, you cannot describe the feeling.
Having kids is like most anything in life – you take the bad with the good. The bottom line with being a parent, to me, is that it is a rewarding experience where the good far outweighs the bad. Also, it doesn’t last long. Before you know it, they are adults, and you have three people who are your best friends, hopefully, and they will be there for you as you grow older.
Thanks so much for the comment.
I love the fact hearing about the stage you guys are in. We’re battling through the 2s and 3s right now and loving the cuteness and seeing the personalities develop, struggling w/ the boundary pushing and the destruction (amazing how much more our boys like to test the durability of items than our daughter did).
I know each that each stage will carry new joys and new challenges. And the temptation sometimes is to check around the corner for them to outgrow whatever rough spots come with their current age. Don’t want to miss any moment, though.
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